Ramadan Reflections ‘When Anger Speaks’

1 Ramadan 1443

The first day of fasting came with much anticipation, hope and aspirations. Yet, my first day was spent working a twelve hour shift with a two and half hour commute. The first fifteen waking hours of Ramadan were going to spent away from the freedom to sit, pray, read Quran, prepare iftar. Rather, I would be spending that time answering phone calls, vaccinating patients, attending to urgent and mundane needs all at once. While keeping busy, but I kept a small goal in mind, in my free moments I would say “istigfar” an accumulation of which would lead to some sort of productivity in my day.

I kept my spirit high as a listened to Shaykh Omer Suleiman’s youtube video on pre-Ramadan goal planning, thinking to myself ‘how much more wonderful was a normal day, when Ramadan graced it?‘ but within the first few minutes of arriving to work, an unexpected emotion crept up on my resolve to have a good and productive day- anger.

As I came in, I found endless bits and pieces of work that had been left for me to “clean up” after the last shift. Normally, I take pride in being able to accomplish and complete my job as well as the work of several others and I do this easily. Yet, today as I looked at a mislabeled file left the on the counter, outrage flared through me. Anger flashed it’s bright white lights in my eyes.

It was the responsibility to the previous employee to correctly label and file away each night, I had encountered this issue with this employee previously, who was well aware of their responsibility. The previous times I had made excuses for them and simply filed the folder myself. Anger flooded my veins, the urge to take the file and throw it across to the filing cabinet crossed my mind. I scribbled out the incorrect labeling and marched the file to the cabinet. They say love is blind, but so is anger. As I placed the file into the cabinet I slammed it shut. Rage. I felt it coiling down my finger tips. That’s when it hit me, I was fasting.

I felt the electric energy buzzing at my finger tips and took a step back. Fasting not only includes abstaining from food and drink but also from the negative actions and emotions that rise within us through the day.

“When you pause, that’s where God exists, that’s where you connect with God. When you get angry, you lose connection with yourself. You lose connection with everyone around you. You are disconnected from the universe. You are on your own. That is the weakest point when the devil will hit.”

Abdel Azim Elsiddig, an Islamic law expert in Palos Heights

In that pause, I took a breath and did something I had never done before. I asked myself a question, “What is this anger trying to tell me?” if my emotion could speak, what words would it communicate to me right now? If gave this electric energy coursing through me words, what would I find?

I found beneath anger-with it’s blinding desire to destroy- was a protectiveness, a feeling that I was not being heard. A concern that my expectations of my team was not being understood and a worry that I was not communicating them properly. Taking this reflection a step further, I asked myself, what could I do that would address the concerns beneath my anger? I took a few minutes drafting out a memo to share with the team, highlighting responsibilities and without placing specific blame on any one person.

I received an immediate response, specifically from the team member who was responsible for not completing the evening tasks. A positive response that lead to a positive discussion. But more than that, I got a sense of peace. In taking the pause to listen to what my anger was trying to communicate with me, I found a small issue with a simple solution. But more importantly I heard myself. I listen to what my own emotions were trying to communicate to me, accepted them and yes, acted on my anger – but not in the way that you would have expected.

Often times we can choose to ignore or belittle our emotions, sometimes more often then not we become our emotions. If we feel rage, we think we are “angry people”. If we feel sadness we think we are “depressed” or “negative”. But we are not, we are only experiencing our emotions. The experience of emotions brings to light a reality we are experiencing. Just as our eyes, ears, nose and mouth and touch give us information about the world around us, our feelings-to give us information. Emotions help us navigate through our every day experiences but only when we allow for them to do so. By taking the time to listen, understand and interpret how we feel we enable ourselves to take steps toward . Our emotions tell a story, we may not solve all the problems we uncover when we hear them, but we will be one step closer to knowing ourselves. And knowing ourselves is the very step we need to take to know God.

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom

Aristotle